QUARANTINE BLOG # 257

December 12, 2020

Today we begin a two-part story called “The Curious Language Called English”

More than 300 million people in the world speak English and the rest, it sometimes seems, try to. It would be charitable to say that the results are sometimes mixed.

Consider this hearty announcement in a Yugoslavian hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.” Or this warning to motorists in Tokyo: “When a passenger of the foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.”

To be fair, English is full of booby traps for the unwary foreigner. Any language where the unassuming word “fly” signifies an annoying insect, a means of travel, and a critical part of a gentleman’s apparel is clearly asking to be mangled. 

Imagine being a foreigner and having to learn that in English one tells a lie but the truth, that a person who says “I could care less” means the same thing as someone who says “I could not care less,” that when a person says to you, “How do you do?” he will be taken aback if you reply, with impeccable logic, “How do I do what?”

The complexities of the English language notwithstanding, English has become the common tongue.  There are now more students of English in China than there are people in the United States.

It is often said that what most immediately sets English apart from other languages is the richness of its vocabulary. The Oxford English Dictionary has lists 615,000 words, but that is only part of the total. Technical and scientific terms would add millions more.

The richness of the English vocabulary, and the wealth of available synonyms, means that English speakers can often draw shades of distinction unavailable to non-English speakers. English is the only language that has, or needs, books of synonyms like Roget’s Thesaurus.

Of course, every language has areas in which it needs, for practical purposes, to be more expressive than others. 

The Eskimos, as is well known, have 50  words for types of snow. To them there is crunchy snow, soft snow, fresh snow, and old snow, but no word that means just plain snow. 

The Italians, as we might expect, have over 500 names for different types of macaroni. Some of these, when translated, begin to sound distinctly unappetizing, like strozzapreti, which means “strangled priests. ” Vermicelli means “little worms” and even spaghetti means “little strings.” 

You may conclude that the Italians are gastronomically out to lunch, so to speak, but really their names for foodstuffs are no more disgusting than our hot dogs or the old English favorite, toad-in-the-hole (sausages with vegetables and onion gravy).

The residents of the Trobriand Islands of Papua New Guinea have a hundred words for yams, while the Maoris of New Zealand have thirty-five words for dung (don’t ask me why). Meanwhile, the Arabs are said (a little unbelievably, perhaps) to have 6,000 words for camels and camel equipment. 

We tend to regard other people’s languages as we regard their cultures – with ill-hidden disdain. 

In Japanese, the word for foreigner means “stinking of foreign hair.” 

To the Czechs a Hungarian is “a pimple. ” 

Germans call cockroaches “Frenchmen.” 

The French call lice “Spaniards.” 

Both French and Italians call con games “American swindle.” 

And in English we have “Dutch courage” (needing an alcoholic drink before undertaking an unwelcome task) and “Mexican carwash” (leaving your car out in the rain), and many others.

Speaking of insults, let’s take a detour to a way English can be used to its “best” (?) advantage.

Today when society wants to “tell someone off” it is usually with vulgarity and hand gestures.  The classic zinger is quickly becoming a lost art. We seem to be content to simply yell at each other, use racial epitaphs, or vulgar language.

Politics is a great source of such exchanges.

In these days of tax and spend, we need someone like Mark Twain to speak sober words to our elected representatives. Tom Sawyer’s creator once remarked, “Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” He may have been addressing a politician when he said, “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

A heckler once yelled at New York Governor Al Smith, “Tell us all you know, Al. It won’t take long.” Smith shot back, “I’ll tell ‘em all we both know. It won’t take any longer!”

During the Civil War, his generals caused Abraham Lincoln much exasperation. General George B. McClellan’s indecision was particularly frustrating to the President. Mr. Lincoln wrote the general a note which said, “My dear McClellan. If you do not want to use the Army I should like to borrow it.”

Not everyone held Lincoln in high esteem. Consider these adjectives from Harper’s Weekly: “Filthy story-teller, despot, liar, thief, braggart, buffoon, usurper, monster, perjurer, robber, swindler, tyrant, fiend, butcher.” 

Don’t mince words, fellows. What do you really think?

Two classic insults came from the lips of Winston Churchill.

Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavor your coffee with poison.” “Madam,” Mr. Churchill replied, “If I were your husband, I should drink it!”

At a social gathering, a member of Parliament, Bessie Braddock said to Mr. Churchill, “Winston, you’re drunk.” The former prime minister said, “Bessie, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I’ll be sober, but you’ll still be ugly!”

Groucho Marx told an author, “From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

Mahatma Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western Civilization. The Great Soul replied, “I think that it would be a very good idea.”

Next week: “So you think English is easy?”

* My thanks to Bill Bryson for his help with this piece.

👉  Second Saturday in Advent

Hopeful Along with the Others

“For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  His authority shall grow continually, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom.  He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore.  The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this” (Isaiah 9:6-7).

What Jews and Christians have in common – alone and with no one else – is that we believe that there is one who is coming to make the world right.  We believe that God has not given up on God’s own will for the world and God’s promise to make the world whole and safe and peaceable.  We believe that this one who is to come to make all things new and good and safe and whole is a human agent, a human person who is committed to God’s way.  We believe that the dreams of heaven will come to be earthly reality, which is why we pray regularly, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

What distinguishes Christians from all others – including Jews – is that we believe that this one who is to come from God has already come and begun his work.  It is Jesus of Nazareth.  We call him Christ, which is a Greek translation of the Jewish word “messiah.”

Since the very earliest church, we Christians have watched Jesus, and we have seen his work: We have listened to his teaching and noticed his wisdom.  We have noticed his attentiveness to the needs of the poor and the lame and the blind and the lepers.  We have watched as he gives new life where none seemed possible.  We have noticed and concluded that God’s power for life is present in Jesus, and we believe – as Jews wait for Messiah – that this Messiah-Christ, Jesus, will come again to make the world right.

Do I need to tell you that waiting for this man from God is what Christmas is all about?  Do I need to tell you that Christmas is a time to ponder and notice what has already begun of this new age, because Jesus has already been here?  Do I need to remind you that waiting and doing gives us a plate full of joy and work, without being overburdened with the excessive Christmas demands of our culture?  We believe that.  We believe God is keeping his promises even among us in our time and place.

In this season, we look to the hope of the Scripture and trust that you are not through with this world.  As we await Jesus's coming anew, fill us with your Spirit to do the work of justice, righteousness, compassion, and forgiveness in our time and place.  Amen.

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